PhD: Baby Steps
I’ve decided to document my PhD journey. These entries will be less about the technicalities of my research in philosophy or the minutiae of philosophical arguments and more about the emotions, challenges, reflections, and hopefully small victories. They will be about the qualia, as we say in philosophy. They’re about the lived experience of the journey. Who knows, perhaps some may find inspiration in these words. Or solace. Or a word of warning. They are lived words.
At 45, with a full-time job, a family, a house currently under renovation, and part-time lecturing jobs, going for a PhD feels like I’m adding another spinning plate to a strained juggle. At my age, I can’t say I need this PhD. I want it. I’d been wishing it for years, now it’s time I will it.
What will I be doing? For a long time, I was dead set on tackling aesthetics. My undergrad long essay was about the philosophy of art; my Masters’ thesis was about the philosophy of literature. I’d been tentatively prodding options in that direction for a long time as a PhD research possibility, never quite hitting that spot that matters. Finally, after a summer of reflection and a recent conversation with a mentor, I found myself drawn to metaphysics. Many years ago, as a young preteen, I questioned God’s existence. This introduced me to philosophy. Perhaps that’s a good place to research! So I revisited the problem of evil, reading as much and as widely as I could. From there I gravitated towards metaphysics and Quentin Meillassoux’s After Finitude, along with Graham Harman’s reaction to it. This shift, while unplanned, feels natural. I’m excited to dig my teeth into further replies and reactions after I finish my current reading.
How do I feel? Emotionally, I’m a cocktail of excitement, anxiety, and that feeling of mild exhaustion you get when you realise you’re one of the older guys in the audience and it’s getting late but you want to last the concert before the lights go out. I’m eager to fully immerse myself into the readings but aware of the very real possibility of burning out. Been there, done that. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, I keep telling myself, and pacing is crucial. Easy does it, bud.
Daily reading and reflection have become routine. With my Kindle app across devices – on my phone, my laptop, and the Kindle device itself – I manage to keep up the rhythm of consistency, even during a recent weekend trip to Athens with my wife.
What have I read over the past few months? I started with the Wikipedia entry on the problem of evil to reacquaint myself with the topic. Then a series of papers, namely In Answer to the Pauline Principle: Consent, Logical Constraints, and Free Will (2022) by Marilie Coetsee, Aesthetics and the Problem of Evil (2003) by Charles Nussbaum, Recent Work on the Problem of Evil (1983) by Michael L Peterson, On Quentin Meillassoux and the Problem of Evil (2020) by Claude Mangion, and currently I’m working through Quentin Meillassoux: Philosophy in the Making (2011) by Graham Harman.
I aim to finish the first run of reads in the coming days and then explore other recommended readings. There’s a meeting scheduled before Christmas, and I hope to have the semblance of an idea by then.
I haven’t shared these plans widely yet. I haven’t even enrolled or come up with a concrete proposal. I read somewhere that announcing your goals can give a false sense of accomplishment and diffuse, rather than increase, the drive to achieve.
Like I said, I’m not enrolled yet and don’t have a concrete proposal. A few days ago, I sent my mentor a message outlining a possible area to explore but quickly retracted that message, realizing it was premature and borne out of naïve excitement to hit the ground running. Luckily, my mentor is patient. Rome wasn’t build in a day and it will be a long and winding road.
This journal is about that road — the highs, the lows, the plateaus. A personal account of balancing life’s demands while pursuing a passion.
If you’re in a similar boat as mine, I’d be happy to hear from you.
Adrian
