The 3 a.m. philosopher’s curse
A few days ago, I started reading Žižek’s Event, one of the suggested texts, and I have to say, strangely, it’s been a spark. I say strangely because instead of feeling more overloaded for having to juggle two dense books concurrently, his ideas have added new layers to some of the themes I’m grappling with, giving me a fresh burst of energy.
There are moments of exciting eureka!, followed by deflating self-doubt which reminds me of something I’d read once: When he came up with the melody, Paul McCartney assumed he’d stolen Yesterday from someone else, not believing he’d come up with the tune himself. One can only hope…
The next meeting with my mentor is pencilled for the 10th of December. Notes are piling up—thoughts, half-formed ideas, arguments and semblances of counter-arguments—and the plan is to shape them into a cohesive argument to put on the table. It’s been three months of, more or less, daily reading now and I hope I’m inching closer to something resembling a proposal.
On the dark front, let’s talk insomnia: maintenance insomnia, to be precise (thank Google for that nugget of self-diagnosed wisdom). I crash by 9 PM most nights but find myself wide awake by stupid o’clock—2 a.m., 3 a.m.—staring into the void. Sometimes it’s the existential dread; sometimes, it’s just my bladder. After long, desperate attempts to win back the pillow, I give up, shuffle a coffee out of the kitchen, and crack open my laptop. Not ideal, but hey, if I’m going to be awake, might as well do some crunches.
Meanwhile, Christmas is creeping closer and the holiday break looks ever promising. I’m hoping to carve out some longer, uninterrupted stretches of PhD time. February, my self-imposed deadline for submission of a formal proposal, now feels just around the corner. That said, a lot rides on this upcoming meeting on the 10th. Fingers crossed it helps crystallise things.
For now, it’s back to the books (and family, parenting, long work hours, house renovations, part-time lecturing, emails, budgeting, laundry, grocery-shopping, overthinking, under-sleeping, this journal, and the general chaos of having a [big?] dream and too little time) — and, hopefully, to bed before midnight. No pressure, right?
Adrian
I’m an adult past life’s mid-way juggling family, work, and the unpredictable path to a PhD. This journal is about about the messy, sleep-deprived chaos, challenges, and small victories along the way.
